Tag Archives: Tyler Clippard

Washington Nationals and Their Run-ins with Crime

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Never rear-end a guy who’s head is shaped like a box.

Earlier today, Nationals manager Matt Williams was involved in a hit and run accident while giving an interview to a DC radio station. While you would think something like this is uncommon, it has in fact happened many times throughout the years to members of the Nationals. Below is a list of some of the more memorable times when Nationals players had a run in with the law while on the air.

1. While giving a phone interview while walking through downtown DC, Jordan Zimmermann’s backpack was snatched by a man running by. However Jordan was able to successfully catch the thief after getting him to slow down to a walking pace, since Jordan doesn’t allow any runs.

2. During a Skype interview in the comfort of his own home, Rafael Soriano experienced a case of breaking and entering. The criminal was successful in kidnapping Soriano’s family, after Rafael blew the chance to save them.

3. In a similar case to Williams, Wilson Ramos also dealt with a hit and run while giving an interview while driving. However unlike Williams, Ramos was critically injured, broke every bone in his body and now uses several colostomy bags.

4. In a post-game locker room interview, the entire Nationals team was cited for indecent exposure. They are now required to wear bathing suits in the shower.

5. While giving an interview together during a goodwill trip to the Middle East, Tyler Clippard and Drew Storen were arrested and sentenced to death after being mistaken for a gay couple. They were later freed and returned to the U.S., where they continue to live together, work together, and share a twin bed together.

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Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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Nats Trade Henry Rodriguez to Cubs for Ian Dickson

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Unfortunately Ian’s contract stipulated that he’s not allowed to keep the hat.

Drug addicts and fans of Top Gear within the Nationals fan base are devastated, as the team has traded away their resident expert on speed. Henry Rodriguez’s time in DC is no more. The hard throwing right hander has thrown his last 100 mph fastball for the Washington franchise. Although considering how far outside of the strikezone it was, it was more against the Washington franchise.

There was a time last season when H-Rod was closing games, but there was also a time last season when Brad Lidge was closing games. I think it’s safe to say that if you closed a game for the Nationals last season, your time with this team will come to an end. Sorry to be honest, Tyler and Drew. I just hope that if you ever leave, you’re traded to a state that’s accepting of your relationship.

As for Ian Dickson, well, I don’t know much about him. But I have a feeling he’ll help fill the void that Wang’s departure created.

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I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Erik Davis Called Up, Harper to DL, Rendon to AAA

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So he’s just Clippard without glasses?

After much speculation, a series of moves have taken place for the Nationals which threaten to reshape the game of baseball as we know it. Reshape in a very small way, like maybe make a half a millimeter dent in it.

Firstly, the Nationals called up relief pitcher Erik Davis. Unfortunately this is not former ballplayer Eric Davis, but it would’ve been silly to think it was. They look so different. Erik is 6’2″ 190 lbs, while Eric is 6’2″ 165 lbs.

Erik has put up solid numbers in Syracuse this season, and will be a welcome addition to a shaky Nationals pen. We’ve gotta do our best to make sure our pen isn’t as shaky down the line. We might get points off for poor penmanship.

To make room for Erik, the team put Bryce Harper on the DL. Now I know you might be very depressed, thinking that Harper’s career could end up being plagued with injuries, but let me tell you this. Every year, over 7 million children die from starvation. I just thought you should know. Since you’re already depressed about Harper, I figured it wouldn’t bum you out any worse.

Lastly, with room in Syracuse, the Nats promoted Anthony Rendon to AAA. Word has it that Rendon will try his hand at 2B, meaning that Danny Espinosa might be in trouble. I would tell him to shape up at some point this season or we’ll hand him his walking papers, but since he doesn’t walk we might have to try and find a new way to get rid of him.

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Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:

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A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

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Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

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Clippard Signs, Zimmermann Heads to Arbitration

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Jordan’s bare chested jersey design is met with applause by the ladies.

The final two arbitration cases for the Nationals have come into clearer focus. Tyler Clippard became the 6th national to sign a contract to avoid arbitration, agreeing to a $4 million deal. How this will affect Tyler and Drew’s relationship has yet to be seen. I hope Drew doesn’t feel emasculated, with Tyler becoming the main wage earner in their household. But as I said yesterday, it’s hard to imagine Drew being successfully emasculated with the plethora of balls he seems to keep producing.

As for the 7th arbitration case, it seems that Jordan Zimmermann and the team are headed towards an arbitration hearing. Zimmermann has filed for $5.8 million, while the team has offered $4.6 million. I’m siding with Jordan here, and not just cause if he ever ended up elsewhere our blog name would be ruined. Jordan is well worth double what he’s asking, but the team seems to be unwilling to meet his demands. There is a historic precedent for this, as Jordan only has 2 “n”s at the end of his name, while he originally wanted 17. The team didn’t have the fabric for that.

I hope the team and Jordan come to an agreement soon, because I’m sure that thezimmermantelegram.wordpress.com has been snatched up by a fan waiting to sell it to us for billions, since that is what its worth.

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Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)

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Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

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Tom Gorzelanny Not Tender Enough

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Ladies.

Like John and Jesus before him, Tom Gorzelanny has been non-tendered by the Nationals. This is a huge loss. Not for the team, longmen can be easily replaced. But for us, here on this blog. All kidding aside, Tom was a decently valuable piece of the Nationals pen this year. But with kidding considered, Tom was a hugely valuable source of jokes for this blog in the past year.

We had our fun with Davey Johnson being old, and Tyler and Drew’s bullpen romance. But no jokes were quite as common and as powerful as those about Tom Gorzelanny’s attractiveness. It’s easy to be witty and come up with good clever satire. But to make constant jokes about someone’s physical appearance, well, that’s the sign of a true comedic genius. But now, without Tom’s inspiration to repeat the same joke a dozen times a week, what are we to do? Come up with thoughtful, clever comments? Ha, I’ll have you know that I come from the comedy school of Dat Phan and would never think of such a thing.

For all that Tom gave us, I feel it is right to give him a proper sendoff. Good luck, Tom. Good luck finding a new team that sees the potential you have. I know it might be tough, given nobody really wants to look at you that closely. But if you’d like, I’ll give you a recommendation. Just please use the phone and don’t show up at my house like that one time. I know it was Halloween, but that’s still no excuse to be that terrifying.

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