Tag Archives: Ugly People

Tom Gorzelanny Not Tender Enough

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Ladies.

Like John and Jesus before him, Tom Gorzelanny has been non-tendered by the Nationals. This is a huge loss. Not for the team, longmen can be easily replaced. But for us, here on this blog. All kidding aside, Tom was a decently valuable piece of the Nationals pen this year. But with kidding considered, Tom was a hugely valuable source of jokes for this blog in the past year.

We had our fun with Davey Johnson being old, and Tyler and Drew’s bullpen romance. But no jokes were quite as common and as powerful as those about Tom Gorzelanny’s attractiveness. It’s easy to be witty and come up with good clever satire. But to make constant jokes about someone’s physical appearance, well, that’s the sign of a true comedic genius. But now, without Tom’s inspiration to repeat the same joke a dozen times a week, what are we to do? Come up with thoughtful, clever comments? Ha, I’ll have you know that I come from the comedy school of Dat Phan and would never think of such a thing.

For all that Tom gave us, I feel it is right to give him a proper sendoff. Good luck, Tom. Good luck finding a new team that sees the potential you have. I know it might be tough, given nobody really wants to look at you that closely. But if you’d like, I’ll give you a recommendation. Just please use the phone and don’t show up at my house like that one time. I know it was Halloween, but that’s still no excuse to be that terrifying.

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NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

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Nats Clinch Playoff Spot

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Not this one. Anyone can go to this playoff spot. Well, not this season actually.

We have done it. The Washington Nationals are postseason bound for the first time in this team’s history. From 2005-2011, this team “worked hard” to make the playoffs. At least that’s what they say. But signing people like Elijah Dukes and Wil Nieves suggested they wanted to be anywhere but the postseason.

However this season has been special, and now the team is guaranteed to play October baseball. Oh, yeah I guess that’s been a guarantee ever since the regular season was scheduled to run a little late this year. But playing the Phillies is not so much meaningful nowadays as it is traumatizing. How am I supposed to explain to my child that people can smell as bad and be as ugly as them? Please think of an alternative to letting him watch Tom Gorzelanny appearances. That would be even more frightening.

It’s the first playoff appearance for the franchise since 1981, and the first for a Washington team since 1933, just around Davey Johnson’s college graduation. Hopefully a division title is just around the corner, because if it isn’t then we’ll have to play a wildcard tiebreaker. And if you think that’s not a big deal, well guess what. No team has ever won a wildcard tiebreaker. That’s how tough it is.

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Dan Uggla Forgets How to Do Baseball, Nats Win in 13

I’m really looking forward to coming next time for Toetown Tuesday, when presumably they’ll replace all the intense pictures of players’ faces with pictures of their wiggling toes.

Final Score: Nationals 5, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 2-6. It might seem like an unorthodox choice, but Kurt Suzuki had the accidental infield single that set up Chad Tracy’s dramatic walkoff easy groundball to second. You’re the Dame of the Game, Kurt Suzuki–take a Kurtsy.

Shame of the Game:

Dan Uggla: 1-6, K, that one play that ended the game. The “uggly” pun is almost too easy. But then it’s really his fault for living up so obviously to his last name.

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Last night’s game was The Most Important Game of the Year for the Nationals, and I was there to witness it. What an honor. I was also there to witness The Most Important Drizzle of the Year. What an honor.

When the rain finally went on its merry way, the game got off to a pretty exciting start. The Braves scored a run. The Nats scored a lot of runs! The Braves scored one less than a lot of runs. That all added up to things being tied after four and a half innings, which I naively thought at the time would be halfway through the game. Silly me.

Another exciting game of  the crowd-favorite “Put Circles in the Circle” is completed. Continue reading

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Where’s Your God Now, Mets Fans? RA Burns Himself In Loss

Harper briefly retired in the 1st inning, throwing away his bat. He then realized that being a baseball player probably means you have very few other real world skills, and changed his mind. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 K. Gio got much more satisfaction out of his meeting with Dickey this time around. R.A. must’ve been taking Viagra this time or something.

Shame of the Game:

R.A. Dickey: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 R, 4 ER, 7 K. Dickey lost for the first time in his last 12 decisions. People will surely say the decision was fixed and that the decision should have been awarded to Dickey, but those people are probably drunken boxing fans who somehow stumbled upon a baseball game.

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Trying new things can really help you live a happier life. Just look at the Nationals this season, and their decision to try winning games. I’d say everyone’s thrilled about that. Note: I don’t consider Braves, Mets, Marlins and Phillies fans important enough to be included in “everyone.” For Phillies fans in part because they’re barely people. Have you looked at some of them? Adam LaRoche took the advice to try something new today when it came to facing R.A. Dickey, by using Roger Bernadina’s bat. The result: A home run. This success using Bernadina’s lumber says to me only one thing…

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Erasable Pen: Relievers Relieve Nats of 9 Run Lead

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The game was delayed for a bit to clean up the mess Sean Burnett left on the mound. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 11, Nationals 10.

Dame of the Game:

Every Batter, Except Bryce Harper Strangely: 15-41, 9 R, 1 2B, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 5 BB. Every spot in the order minus Harper’s and the pitcher’s spot produced hits. Which is strange because I expected a lot more out of Strasburg’s bat. The offense came alive with a powerful jolt unlike many games before during this season. A similar birth to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster, the team was simply looking for affection. But some people misunderstand them, and treat them in ways they don’t deserve. Which leads me to the…

Shame of the Game:

Every Pitcher, Except Mike Gonzalez Strangely: Loss, Blown Save, 9.1 IP, 14 H, 7 BB, 11 R, 10 ER, 10 K. Mike Gonzalez was the one clear, greaseless spot, on the young teenage acne-riddled face that is the Nationals. Each other pitcher in their own unique pus-filled way, clogged up the pores that the fans breathe through easily and made this game a miserable experience that would surely result in no celebratory sex for any party involved. It sure sucks having acne, especially when it’s as pus-filled and gross as Tom Gorzelanny.

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Well what the fuck? You had a 9 run lead. A 9 run lead going into the 6th. Even a 5 run lead going into the 8th. And lastly a 1 run lead going into the 9th. But you ended up going down a run. You blew more leads than a journalist who is not very good at his job. Oh sure, you tied it in the 9th for a bit, but that didn’t last. Instead you thought back to preschool when your mom told you to share, and you decided to give the Braves a run since you had just scored. Well sharing isn’t caring. Sharing is instead despairing. Parents, please let your child know about this miserable truth, lest they make friends and smile before it’s too late.

The offense was great. What a good job they did. Gold stars all around. Which I haven’t done since Jason Marquis got offended that he had to wear one and left. But the pitching, well you did bad. So bad that I will now look at each pitcher and analyze what they did to contribute to the miserable.

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The Nationals at the Break

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This toaster is just like our season; We burnt everyone and we too had the option for frozen, as it applied to our offense at times.

Here we stand at the midway point of the baseball season. Or, if you’re someone like Rich Garces, here we sit. It’s much too tiring to stand up with all that weight. Baseball has reached a point when many people take time to rest and many others take time to analyze each team’s performance to this point. Given I am unemployed and thus have been doing nothing but rest for weeks, I’ll give the latter a shot and look at how the Nationals have done to this point in the season.

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Three Nationals Make the All-Star Team

I’m okay with “2012” and “Game,” but one of the two middle lines has to go in order for this logo to make sense.

The NL All-Star roster was released today, and three Nationals made the team. They are: Continue reading

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Marlins Mar Grins: Mike Stants Tall as Nats Do Fall

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Celebrating is a very somber time for the Nationals. (AP Photo/Joel Auerbach)

Final Score: Marlins 5, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann, The Hitter: 1-2, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Jordan Zimmermann is sick and tired of throwing 7 IP, allowing 1 ER, and not winning the game. He decided to take things into his own hands and power one out of the park.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann, The Pitcher: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 4 ER, 4 K. Sadly, it seems he is so sick of throwing 7 IP, allowing 1 ER, and not winning the game, that Zimm has decided to stop even coming close. It’s been three starts since his 4th 7IP/1ER outing of his season, and he doesn’t seem to be going back. His outlook on the game changed. If he couldn’t get support pitching so fantastically, maybe he could get support pitching dreadfully. I worry he’s going to be less like his rotation partners, and more like Jose Lima. He’ll begin to say “It’s Zima Time,” upsetting people greatly by not only letting them know a lot of runs are about to be given up, but also reminding them that Zima existed.

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Miami is all about clubbing. It has one of the best nightlife scenes around, and also one of the biggest men who clubs the furthest home runs anyone ever sees. Giancarlo Stanton is someone everybody wants on their team, and every day that passes that someone doesn’t have him they cry and cry. This has been how great baseball players have been measured throughout history. The better a player, the more tears shed by the entirety of MLB’s fans. There are exceptions however. When you see people crying about Tom Gorzelanny, they simply are weeping for that gene pool.

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Follow The Zimmerman(n) Telegram From All Over the Place!

“I LOVE LOVE LOVE OHMYGOD LOVE The Zimmerman(n) Telegram, but I never know when a new post is up! I tried refreshing every second of the day, but then my finger fell off.”

It’s a common complaint that we get, and it’s time to address it once and for all. Sure, you can follow the blog through WordPress or on Google Reader, but don’t you want to check for new posts while you’re also looking at photos of an ugly acquaintance you don’t like with their weirdly lumpy boyfriend/girlfriend/child on a social media site? I know I do.

Here’s how to do it: just like us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/TheZimmermannTelegram

Or! Follow us on Twitter at @TheZimTelegram.

You will surely be rewarded, in this life or the next. Or the next, but probably not the one after that.

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