Tag Archives: Ugueth Urbina

Opening Dayum: Nats Show Off Impressive Assets In Tight One


“You see this? This is my nipple.”

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dames of the Game…s…: 

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Now on pace for 324 home runs this season, I’d say Harper is falling just short of expectations. But he’s young. Maybe with some more experience he’ll end up like Dmitri Young, who was once on pace for 486 home runs after Opening Day. And who was also once convicted of a crime, a key to being considered a great. Don’t believe me? Well if Lenny Dykstra and Ugueth Urbina aren’t Hall of Fame bound, then I must be completely unaware of the actual definition of the word great.

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 K. After a leadoff single, Strasburg retired 19 straight batters. He made the Marlins look silly. In fact, I haven’t seen a team look as pathetic as the Marlins did today since I looked at the Marlins roster yesterday, and anytime in the past 4 months.

Shame of the Game: 

Rafael Soriano: Being Rafael Soriano. What can you say about a guy like Rafael Soriano? He threw a perfect 9th, showed impressive velocity and control, and I still hate him. Some say “let bygones be bygones,” but I say “drill bygones into your mind so you can always remember who has wronged you.”


The smell of freshly cut grass. The warmth from the sun’s rays. The semi-irrational hatred of millionaires that I’ve never known personally, building to its highest level since October. Yes, baseball is finally back.

The last time the Nationals took the field in a game that mattered it ended in shock, depression, and misery. Yes, that exhibition loss to the Yankees on March 29th was a real bummer. There is nothing more depressing than losing to a lineup featuring Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay. But the team looked to move on and improve, and there were many positive signs that suggest the team will do even better in the coming year. Let’s hope these positive signs are accurate, and that the Nationals prove to be pregnant. Pregnant with quality offense, and good defense, and a placenta that I can ultimately eat so that I feel one with the organization.

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Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

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Astro-Naught: Washington Doesn’t Give Houston Anything Anymore


Wandy Rodriguez forgets how to do the YMCA.

Final Score: Nationals 1, Astros 0.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: W, 7 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 8 K, 0 R. With Washington’s choice to no longer support the space program, Giology is being given millions of dollars to further advances in that industry. Many of the findings to this point have thrilled Washington, but upset the rest of the country. I expect Gio Gonzalez to be at the head of Romney’s veep vetting. I always expected Mitt to be a baseball fan given his name. Willard.

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: S, 1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB. The stats don’t show how bad Lidge was. A double, a four pitch walk, throwing strikes down the middle that he got lucky on. Lidge has gotten away with murder in his save opportunities. Clearly he models himself after Ugueth Urbina.

On a day when a space shuttle was retired, many baseball players who play for a team with a name that kind of relates to space were also retired. Both had launched things into the atmosphere in the past, but now the shuttles and the Astros have worked long past their usefulness, and no longer positively contribute to their industries. I can only assume that come the end of this series in Washington, the Houston team will be paraded around in the sky one last time as the many adoring fan cheers them on, and then be placed in a museum for all to gawk at.

The museum will not be a popular one.

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