Tag Archives: urine

1 Is The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Hit: A Reds Series Recap

Game 1:

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Gio and this female reporter have very different reactions to being covered in urine. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Nationals 8, Reds 1

I had my iTunes playlist all ready for Gio’s start. Songs like “Walk This Way,” “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” “Walking On Sunshine,” and many more tunes that would make paraplegics very depressed, were all primed up and ready to be played every time Gio walked a batter. And wouldn’t you know it, Gio lacked control yet again. He walked DOUBLE the amount of players that he allowed hits to. That’s right, TWO walks, and- Oh. He threw an 8 inning 1 hitter? That’s pretty awesome. Knowing Gio had such a good game relaxes me more than those other 1 hitters filled with pot.

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Taiwan Strike Away: Japan Makes Comeback More Shocking Than The Tentacle Porn They Produce

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This is what they’re fighting over. …and people say baseball’s boring.

Final Score: Japan 4, Chinese Taipei 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A dispute over the Senkaku Island region.

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The Senkaku Islands have been a hotly contested region between Taiwan and Japan for the past few decades. Ever since the islands were claimed by Japan during the First Sino-Japanese War, the nations have fought over who is the rightful owner.

Recently an issue arose between fishing boats located in the area in question, as ships belonging to both Japan and Taiwan had a metaphorical pissing contest by actually spraying each other with streams of liquid. But lets try and stray from the urination and penis jokes, and talk about the most recent conflict between the two countries. A baseball game where they tried to beat each other with their wood.

Damn…

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On the Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s Word Cloud

The word cloud at the bottom of our blog is a window into the inner workings of our minds. A season’s worth of posting has provided a substantial sample size, so that the cloud is now reasonably representative of what we think about most of the time when we’re writing about the Nationals. In the midst of a slow November for Nationals-related news, now seems like as good a time as any to investigate just what goes on in our strange, wonderful (if I do say so myself) heads.

Here are the top ten tags that we used this season:

1. Bryce Harper
2. Death
3. Davey Johnson
4. Stephen Strasburg
5. Ian Desmond
6. Tom Gorzelanny
7. Gio Gonzalez
8. Adam LaRoche
9. Tyler Clippard
10. Ryan Zimmerman

Okay, nothing too surprising, just a bunch of baseball players and Death. We do love death. Can’t get enough of it. Death is some funny shit. Continue reading

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Davey Johnson Coming Back

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Once Rizzo saw the back of Davey’s head, he knew he was the right man for the job.

Davey Johnson is coming to back to manage the Nationals 2013. In what always seemed like the inevitable, Davey signed a contract to remain at the team’s helm for one more year. I never thought he would go anywhere else. Since he lost his walker, and it’s very hard for a man his age to move around.

Johnson was already contracted to be an advisor to the team for 2013 and 2014, but will remain manager for one year before retiring from on-field duty and joining the front office. He cited “unfinished business” as part of the reason he chose to come back. I’m assuming this unfinished business is a constant stream of leaking urine and feces. Again, a man this old has certain troubles, in this case controlling his bowels.

All joking aside, I’m very happy to have Davey back. All joking present, I’m very happy to have Methuselah back. I have no doubt he’ll lead this team in a similarly successful way to last year.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Eury Perez

The beginning of what I can only hope is a long and productive career of slamming his head into Mets players’ crotches.

EURY PEREZ’ DARK SECRET EXPOSED

Zimmerman(n) Telegram exclusive: long-hidden origin of Eury Perez’s first name finally revealed.

We have received an explanation of the name from “someone who knew Eury as a child” who only agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity. This is that source’s story:

“Heh, yeah. So Eury wasn’t always called Eury. He used to be named something boring, like John or Steve or Dust-Sock. No, it definitely wasn’t Dust-Sock, that was this other kid. Anyway, so apparently one day when he was like 6 he was just standing on the playground and he accidentally started peeing. Bad timing on his part, cause he’d also forgotten to zip up his fly from the last time he peed and no one told him cause it was funny to watch him walk around with his fly unzipped. But the joke was on them because he peed through his open fly and it went all over everyone. Naturally the pee incident was the only thing he was known for until he started playing baseball.

He went home to cry to his parents about it but they thought it was so funny that they decided to legally change his first name from whatever it was to Urine. Urine Perez. As with all kids with terrible names he had to find a nickname that was less bad, so just as you might change Jonathan to Johnny or Steven to Stevie or Dust-Sock to Dust-Socky, he got people to call him Eury instead of Urine.

I don’t think anyone ever told him that he could legally change his name to something else that doesn’t evoke a horrible childhood memory or the cruelty of his parents. But it’s really funny, so you better not be the one to ruin it.”

Mum’s the word, anonymous source.

This urine-related story has been brought to you by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. The Zimmerman(n) Telegram: at the forefront of yellow journalism.

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My Pilgrimage to Montreal

Almost every cultural group has historic sites that attract followers on a daily basis. The cult of Nationalsism is no different. The Nationals current form as a Washington team is relatively new, and has a very brief history.

But while the Washington team is new, the Washington franchise has a rich history that dates back to the 1960s. From 1969-2004, this franchise was known as the Montreal Expos. It is important we don’t forget where we came from, and what made the franchise the way it is now.

This past week, I took a trip to Montreal with a similar mindset to the many pilgrims to Mecca. After all, a trip to Montreal is one of the Five Pillars of Nationalsism, which are all noted below:

1. Kalima. The declaration of faith, professing that there is only one GM (Mike Rizzo) and that Davey Johnson is Rizzo’s manager.

2. Salat. All followers must pray five times a day while facing Nationals Park.

3. Zakat. The alms-giving, where all fans must give to Nationals charities.

4. Sawm. Fasting, which is especially hard cause Ben’s Chili Bowl is really tasty.

5. Hajj. The pilgrimage to Montreal.

I detail my experience below.

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Harper 2012

Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.

The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process. Continue reading

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Marlins Mar Grins: Mike Stants Tall as Nats Do Fall

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Celebrating is a very somber time for the Nationals. (AP Photo/Joel Auerbach)

Final Score: Marlins 5, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann, The Hitter: 1-2, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Jordan Zimmermann is sick and tired of throwing 7 IP, allowing 1 ER, and not winning the game. He decided to take things into his own hands and power one out of the park.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann, The Pitcher: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 4 ER, 4 K. Sadly, it seems he is so sick of throwing 7 IP, allowing 1 ER, and not winning the game, that Zimm has decided to stop even coming close. It’s been three starts since his 4th 7IP/1ER outing of his season, and he doesn’t seem to be going back. His outlook on the game changed. If he couldn’t get support pitching so fantastically, maybe he could get support pitching dreadfully. I worry he’s going to be less like his rotation partners, and more like Jose Lima. He’ll begin to say “It’s Zima Time,” upsetting people greatly by not only letting them know a lot of runs are about to be given up, but also reminding them that Zima existed.

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Miami is all about clubbing. It has one of the best nightlife scenes around, and also one of the biggest men who clubs the furthest home runs anyone ever sees. Giancarlo Stanton is someone everybody wants on their team, and every day that passes that someone doesn’t have him they cry and cry. This has been how great baseball players have been measured throughout history. The better a player, the more tears shed by the entirety of MLB’s fans. There are exceptions however. When you see people crying about Tom Gorzelanny, they simply are weeping for that gene pool.

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Desmond’s Tutu-Run Home Run Brings Nats Walkoff Win

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Scary moment as gravity temporarily disappeared when Desmond tried to touch home. He was successfully weighed down however by the tremendous sense of failure he has yet to shake off. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Diamondbacks 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-5, 1 R, 2 RBI, 1 2B, Walkoff HR. Have you ever smiled when someone says the name Ian Desmond? Yeah apparently you can. No, I’m not lying. Desmond was the star of the night, and not the type of star that forms a black hole and sucks up everything beautiful surrounding it. He was the type of star that actually contributes positively to the universe. I would suggest not getting too close, much like a real star. Bad things probably happen when you touch him.

Shame of the Game:

J.J. Putz: Loss, Blown Save, .2 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 2 K. What a Putz. This guy epitomizes what a Putz is. That whole family is sadly full of worthless, stupid people. It’s miraculous that they’ve survived this long. J.J. has done the noble thing though in order to remove this failure of a gene pool from the planet and agreed not to procreate, much like Hitler’s surviving relatives. Yes, these are comparable things.

Five straight losses. Up until tonight the Nats had been reminding us fans of the Nationals of old, losing game after game and crying in the showers. We’re not sure if this is because they lost so much or if it’s since Davey Johnson insists on showering with the team. But with one swing of the bat, something changed for the Nationals. With one swing of the bat, the Nationals experienced something that fans could cheer about. Yes, Jayson Werth got a single at one point.

Oh there was another swing that was a walkoff home run too. That probably changed things more.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Chien-Ming Wang

Is the real Chien-Ming Wang standing in front of a large billboard of himself or holding a small statue of himself in his right hand? Tough call.

Here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram we like to have some fun with players’ names. Some names lend themselves better to wordplay than others. Some share first or last names with famous historical or pop culture figures. Some are just different spellings of common English words. And sometimes, a player’s name is literally a synonym for “penis.” On the 2012 Nationals, that player is Chien-Ming Wang. Continue reading

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