Tag Archives: vaginas

Bryce Harper Loses Home Run Derby

I think the Nats sent the wrong Harper to participate in the Derby.

On the bright side, Bryce’s brother won the Camera Hat Derby.

Bryce Harper is a loser. At the age of 20, he’s already proved he’ll never amount to anything. Might as well just give up, pack up, and climb back his mother’s baby chute to try again.

Bryce Harper is a loser because Bryce Harper lost 9-8 in the finals of the 2013 Home Run Derby. To a Cuban, no less! What is this, the Bay of Pigs? I mean come on.

If I were Bryce Harper’s dad, I’d spend the rest of my life standing or walking or sitting or lying next to Bryce, holding my fingers in the shape of an L on his forehead. Just in case any fans or pedestrians or lovers should ever forget that Bryce Harper is a loser who Lost. A lost losing loserman. Is Bryce still young enough that his father can legally change his name without his consent? If son, he should change his son’s name to Lose Loserman. It would be a more accurate description of Bryce Harper than “Bryce Harper.”

Anyway, good luck at the All-Star Game, Bryce! We love ya.

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The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

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Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

Continue reading

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On the Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s Word Cloud

The word cloud at the bottom of our blog is a window into the inner workings of our minds. A season’s worth of posting has provided a substantial sample size, so that the cloud is now reasonably representative of what we think about most of the time when we’re writing about the Nationals. In the midst of a slow November for Nationals-related news, now seems like as good a time as any to investigate just what goes on in our strange, wonderful (if I do say so myself) heads.

Here are the top ten tags that we used this season:

1. Bryce Harper
2. Death
3. Davey Johnson
4. Stephen Strasburg
5. Ian Desmond
6. Tom Gorzelanny
7. Gio Gonzalez
8. Adam LaRoche
9. Tyler Clippard
10. Ryan Zimmerman

Okay, nothing too surprising, just a bunch of baseball players and Death. We do love death. Can’t get enough of it. Death is someĀ funny shit. Continue reading

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