Tag Archives: vomit

We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Nationals Coverage

Oh, curly W. I forgot how seductive are your luscious curves.

Oh, curly W. How could I forget how seductive are your luscious curves.

While we hope you enjoyed The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s brief foray into international coverage, the time for caring about the rest of the world is over. In fact, it’s time to stop caring about anything other than the Washington Nationals for the foreseeable future. You simply won’t have time to. Between watching Nationals games and then reading about them on this very blog, your life will be utterly consumed in #natitude and the #vomit you will produce after seeing the natitude hashtag everywhere.

As it should be. So, what are you waiting for? Divorce your spouse. Quit your job. Leave your children to die on a mountaintop. Get rid of all possible distractions from this impending baseball season that’s about to sit its entire 162-game girth down on our eagerly-awaiting abdomens.

We’ll be doing everything we can to facilitate the ruination of your non-baseball life, with all your favorite game summaries, transaction analyses, player profiles, impossibly witty signs, erotica, and some brand Spanking new features whose surprises I shall not yet spoil. The biggest difference from last season is that we’ll be trading quantity for quality (and less work) in game summaries – expect about one per series, instead of one per game. Don’t worry, though. We’ll make it up to you. Wink.

Without further ado…baseball jokes. Come get ’em.

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Nats Encounter Terrible Time in Arizona, Odd Because They Aren’t All Hispanic

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John MacDonald has some fun playing soccer. With a bat. He is not bright. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 7, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Cesar Izturis: 1-1, 1 2B, 2 R. Cesar is now 2-2 with 4 runs as a National. You may ask, why all the runs with so few at bats? And I say, bad pre-game Mexican food.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, 1 E. Suzuki turned in another 0-for-4 performance, coupled with his first error as a National. He had committed many errors in Oakland however, including making himself seem valuable in some way to the Nationals.

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Ross Detwiler was sick tonight. No, he didn’t have nasty stuff. He was sick. No, he didn’t do something gross like poop in his glove and then use it. He was sick. No, he wasn’t spelled incorrectly and quoted. He was sick. He just didn’t feel well. And that showed on the mound. In more ways than just the mound being covered in sniffles and vomit. For every runner Detwiler allowed, he also gave up an earned run. Which would’ve been fine if he didn’t allow any runners. But he did. So that’s bad.

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Bryce Harper, Unwitting Subject of Article

The desert sun growing up wasn’t good on Bryce’s skin.

We forgive children when they make mistakes.  I will never forgive Mark Judge for writing “Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero” on the opinion page of the Daily Caller.

Remember the first truly horrible thing to happen to you?  That moment when your bubble of childhood innocence was shattered by the realization that your cousin Bart’s devotion to eating a gallon of Haagen Dasz a day was directly responsible for his premature death in the second grade?

Even if you never had a cousin who learned to roll because he could never learn to walk, you probably had such a moment—an inflection point in your life after which everything around you was just a little bit worse.  And remember what you were told? “That’s life. . .bad things happen.”

What you weren’t told, however, is that sometimes bad things are written down.  And sometimes, no one stops them from being printed.  And sometimes, you read them.

It’s times like this that I wish I could trade places with Bart.  Or at least banish Mark Judge’s “Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero” article into the kiddie pool we buried him in.

Well, let’s get to it.

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