Tag Archives: Washington Senators

I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:


“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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The Worley Bird Gets the Win: Phillies Worm Closer to Nats

Sean Burnett speaks for us all, for once. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)

Final Score: Phillies 3, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

None of the above. (just pretend there’s a list of every National who played in the game right above this line)

Shame of the Game:

None of the above, also. Guess we need a new category for this one.

Tame of the Game:

All of the above. The Nationals’ performances ranged from “average” to “mediocre.” No one was really good. No one was outstandingly horrible. Everyone was boring.


Vance Worley and the tattered remains of a team that its fans used to call the Phillies but are now too ashamed to do so beat the Nats last night. If the Washington Senators were affectionately described as “first in our hearts, last in the National League,” then the Phillies should now be unaffectionately described as “last in our hearts, last in the NL East, last in everything else.”

The Nats didn’t really seem to understand why they were playing this game. It was a one run game, so it theoretically should have been exciting to watch, but instead it was more like watching paint dry on growing grass. On the outcome of the game rested the difference between the Nats being 16.5 games ahead of the Phillies and being 14.5 games ahead. The Braves lost to the Marlins, so the Nats were free to lose as well without much consequence.

I feel that such a mediocre game merits a mediocre blog post. As such, I will conclude these fairly uninteresting paragraphs with a replacement level joke. Presented below are some lists that serve as a metaphor for the Nats performance in this game. Continue reading

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Run of the Mil Victory: Brewers Put Out Most Disappointing Product Since Bud Light

Roger Bernadina finds the palm of Edwin Jackson’s hand to be extremely emotional. (Photo by Mike McGinnis/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Brewers 2.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 7 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 4 K; 1-2, 1 BB, 2 R. Jackson did his best Stephen Strasburg impression by being a dominating force on the mound and a threat at the plate. He also dipped his face in powdered sugar, which indeed turned out as racist as you’d imagine.

Shame of the Game:

Yovani Gallardo: Loss, 5 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 7 ER, 6 K. Gallard’oh!


It was almost three years ago to the day, on July 28, 2009, that the Nationals last won in Milwaukee. It had also been 79 years since a Washington baseball team was 20 games above .500. It too had been a lifetime since Tom Gorzelanny saw a woman’s breasts. Two of these streaks came to an end tonight, and let’s be honest, they were the more likely of the two to end. The Nationals finally got to Milwaukee in their own yard, which had been so hard to do before because of the distracting odor of cheese. But now, the Nationals have made Miller Park their house, which is really nice. Their other house lacked a roof, making having guests over during the rain difficult.

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