Tag Archives: Wei-Yin Chen

Taking It On The Chen: Nats Belt Wei To Victory

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Harper and Roberts react to the single most impressive “Yo Mamma” joke of all time. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Orioles 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 6.1 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 5 K. Black is back! I of course am referring to the black corners of home plate, because tonight Edwin Jackson got the close calls on the edge of the plate that he needed to turn in a very impressive pitching performance. Also Edwin Jackson is black, and was pitching again after a brief expected absence.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, 1 E. Many teams hand out an item as a reward in the clubhouse after games to the best player. The Yankees passed around a wrestling championship belt one year, and the New York Rangers hockey team passes around a fedora. The Nationals do something different, and pass around Ian Desmond’s unwashed socks to the worst player from the game. For the second straight night, Desmond has been left to deal with cold feet as Ryan Zimmerman was subject to flaky bits of fungus-y residue from Ian’s feet. Zim may have signed a big contract in the offseason, but 100 million dollars means nothing when you have to wear a bad man’s socks.

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I was really worried that the Nationals were going to feel down coming into Saturday’s game. They have lost 3 of 4 to the Orioles this season, and started the series off the wrong way. I thought they’d just all be very crabby and play bad. Well thank goodness at least we got one win today, and the only crab-related feeling that the Nationals will come out of Baltimore with is that of fullness from eating a delicious seafood dinner. Also itchiness, from the multiple groupies that they’d probably have sex with. A win in the 2nd game bodes well for a series victory, as the momentum has shifted in Washington’s favor. Let’s hope Baltimore will end up seeing red by the end of this series, hopefully a deeper shade than that on the Nationals player’s crotches caused by this crab infestation.

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Strasputin Has an Enormous Penis: Potent Nationals Offense Salvages Last Game of Series

Stephen Strasburg found Bryce Harper’s congratulatory gesture to be a bit forward. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Orioles 3

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 5 IP, 3 R, 1 ER, 4 H, 1 BB, 8 K; 2-2, HR, 2 R, RBI. At the conclusion of today’s game, Stephen Strasburg had the highest on-base percentage and slugging percentage of anyone in the Nationals lineup…except Tom Gorzelanny. That would be a funny joke if it weren’t so frighteningly true.

Shame of the Game:

Wei-Yin Chen: 4.1 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. The shame of this performance will surely wei on him.

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It’s always a special event when a pitcher hits a home run. There’s something thrilling about watching someone succeed at something they’re supposed to be very bad at, like watching Tom Gorzelanny talk to a woman without her running away crying. Humanity came up with division of labor for a reason and it has served us pretty well, but the rules of the National League usually require some inefficiency in a batting lineup. Somehow, Stephen Stasburg has managed to render this potential inefficiency irrelevant, since he would probably be the Nationals’ DH if they were allowed to have one. If early humans had been as skilled at everything as Strasburg is, civilizations would have been unnecessary and we’d still be living in a state of nature, throwing 100 mph rocks at deer all day. While that sounds fun, civilization has produced a lot of great things, most notably baseball. The last time I read my Hobbes and Rousseau there was no mention of baseball in the state of nature. So I guess it’s probably for the best that we only have one Strasburg-Leviathan.

But you didn’t click on this post for my philosophical musings. You clicked on it for a picture of Strasputin’s enormous penis, so here it is: Continue reading

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