Tag Archives: World Series

Introducing: The World Baseball Classic as a Metaphor for Actual Historical Conflicts

As its subtitle suggests and should be pretty obvious, The Zimmerman(n) Telegram is a blog that primarily focuses on Nationalsism. But sometimes we must transcend that Nationalsism to take a broader perspective on the totality of baseball and the cornucopia of humorous delights it presents. Sometimes, we must embrace Internationalsism.

The World Baseball Classic is one of those times. Now, if you’re new to the WBC, you might be at risk of confusing it with the World Series. The World Series, like the World Baseball Classic, also involves baseball, and also is referred to as a Classic (of the Fall variety). The main difference between the two names is the sense in which the word “world” is used. In the World Series, “world” is appropriately used to describe the only places that are important: the United States and a tiny sliver of Canada. In the World Baseball Classic, “world” bizarrely refers to the entire earth, as if any of the rest of it was worthy of worldliness.

For all you visual learners.

The Zimmerman(n) Telegram will be taking a unique approach to WBC coverage. We recognize that what makes the WBC so much fun is that the teams struggling against each other for supremacy in the tournament represent actual countries, who have fought actual battles/had actual diplomatic spats with each other, in which actual people died/were offended. Because of that, every game will be representative of some awful or mildly annoying historical event. Obviously, we have no choice but to find those events and metaphorize them.

During the regular season, when we want to use historical wars as metaphors, we have to first assign countries to each team and then pick a conflict. But for the WBC, the first half of that task has already been done for us. It’s almost too easy.

So when the “World” Baseball Classic pitches off tomorrow night, just sit back, relax, and wait for us to trivialize some tragedy! And never fear: we will of course also be carefully documenting the adventures of the three Nationals serving as ambassadors to this important international summit.

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San Francisco Giants Win the World Series


In the spirit of Halloween, they showed a scary movie on the big screen which really frightened Romo. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

The San Francisco Giants are the 2012 World Series Champions. For the second time in three years, the Giants sit atop baseball as the guys who got hot/lucky for a few days at the right time best team.

In all seriousness, the Giants were one of the more deserving teams in these playoffs. No, not for their regular season success, but for what they did to those putrid people from St. Louis in the NLCS. I wasn’t a huge fan of the Giants before the NLCS, but afterwards I became their biggest fan. Nationals fans should be very thankful for them putting the Cardinals in their place. It’s like Washington allying with Stalin to take care of the Nazis. Sure it wasn’t the way we would’ve liked to have things happen in an optimal situation, but when we realized Stalin’s power in the face of initial adversity, we realized he was a great option to get behind.

Pablo Sandoval was named World Series MVP. I’m sure a lot of people will make jokes such as “Most Valuable Panda,” or “Most Valuable Ponch,” but lets not make silly jokes like that. Instead lets sit back and look at the impressive performance that the beanbag chair that plays third base for the Giants put on. Wait, that’s a guy? Oh, he just looked so poofy and comfortable to sit on.

Now baseball is done, and transactions will begin in the coming days. We can only hope Mike Rizzo makes some smart decisions that help the team be successful when it counts. We all know he came through with some of those this past Fall.

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A Phitting End: Nats Climb the Phinal Cliff to Take Season Phinale

Speak softly and carry a big head. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Final (sniff) Score: Nationals 5, Phillies 1.

Dame of the Game:

Teddy Roosevelt: Win.

Shame of the Game:

Jonathan Papelbon: .2 IP, 2 ER, H, BB, K. It’s almost sad that Papelbon won’t have the chance to blow any saves in the postseason. The happy kind of sadness.


They let Teddy win. I always knew they’d do it eventually when the Nats got good. They had to. The constant failures of Teddy couldn’t go on forever, lest they devolve further into some kind of dark metaphor for the ultimate pointlessness of existence.

But now that the impossible has been made possible, what is left for this franchise to strive for? The dream of Teddy winning was so fantastical, so quixotic, that all other goals now seem almost trivial. Sure, the Nats could win the World Series. But it was always at least theoretically possible that they could win the World Series. Even in the dark, dark days of ’06 – ’09, the odds of those teams winning the Series at the beginning of the season were greater than zero. The odds of Teddy winning did not exist. If you bet on Teddy winning and he won, this would happen. Continue reading

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… : … (Part 2)

Instead of having CIA-head David Petraeus throw out a ceremonial first pitch, the Nats would have been better off having him call in a non-ceremonial drone strike on Giancarlo Stanton. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Marlins 8, Nationals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Sandy Leon: 0-0. Just kidding, it’s no one.

Shame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 0-3. The ohfer is less shameful than the fact that he, as a cleanup hitter, only got up three times. That’s not entirely his fault, but I’m in no mood to accurately assign blame for this game.


There are a couple of things that make this game slightly less miserable than the near-identical game from about a week and a half ago. One, Stephen Strasburg wasn’t pitching this time, so we didn’t have to worry about the fact that his innings were being wasted on an overflowing toilet of a baseball game. Unfortunately, that thing is canceled out by the fact that we now know that Strasburg won’t pitch again this year at all, which casts a pall of misery over pretty much every Nats-related thing that happens. Two, the Nationals only got shut out 8-0 this time instead of 9-0. Unfortunately, that thing is canceled out by the fact that WHO CARES THEY STILL GOT SHUT OUT BY RICKY NOLASCO AGAIN. Continue reading

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