Tag Archives: Xavier Nady

The Nationals at the Break

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This toaster is just like our season; We burnt everyone and we too had the option for frozen, as it applied to our offense at times.

Here we stand at the midway point of the baseball season. Or, if you’re someone like Rich Garces, here we sit. It’s much too tiring to stand up with all that weight. Baseball has reached a point when many people take time to rest and many others take time to analyze each team’s performance to this point. Given I am unemployed and thus have been doing nothing but rest for weeks, I’ll give the latter a shot and look at how the Nationals have done to this point in the season.

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Healthy .308 OPS Replaces Sick .486 OPS (But Both Are Really Unhealthy)

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For DeRosa, it’s the intangible qualities that make him great. Like level of coolness. As shown in the picture above, he’s as freezing as someone with a .308 OPS.

Mark DeRosa is back! No, not that he’s good again. He’s just here again. DeRosa replaces an ailing Xavier Nady who was placed on the DL with right wrist tendinitis. You would think the irritation would have been caused by playing baseball, but Nady hasn’t been doing much that I would consider playing baseball during his time with the Nats. Flailing about like a goldfish in some vomit on the sidewalk is a more apt description. And we all know how dangerous for wrists that can be.

DeRosa gives us a player a little more versatile than Nady off the bench. He’s able to do so many things that you could say he’s a regular triple threat! Note, a triple threat in baseball is much more different than a triple threat in entertainment, in that it actually means someone is threateningly bad and actually in no way likely to triple. Except for Jose Lima, he actually was quite the singer.

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You Mad(don) Bro? Joe Forced to Respect His Elder as Davey Takes Series, Bengay

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Joe Maddon insensitively and ignorantly calling out Edwin Jackson and the Nationals for covering their entire bodies in pine tar. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Rays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: .1 IP, 1 K. Out of context, this line is probably one of the least impressive for our dames of the game. But in context, this was a key bases loaded strikeout to preserve a small lead in the 7th inning. I feel bad for Mattheus. For far too long he has been plagued by people not looking at him in the proper context. Some call Mattheus a somewhat odd looking man. But when comparing to some (one) of his teammates, he’s like a flower. A tall, oddly shaped flower. Perhaps a sunflower, with some sort of harmless yet obvious genetic mutation in the gene pool.

Shame of the Game:

Joel Peralta: Loss, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 1 BB. It seems as if Peralta’s career has begun to pine away and deteriorate. Pitching in his second straight game since being called out for using pine tar, Peralta searched for alternatives, but to no avail. He looked to other forms of tar to help him pitch at the same level, since tar was all he knew. Joel flew in members of the North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team to cheer for him and build up his confidence, but they didn’t work. He insulted a feudal lord to get covered in tar and feathers, but was told it wasn’t Rays ’79 Throwback Night yet (I meant 1379, of course). Lastly he attempted to immerse himself in a tar pit as if to try and gain powers, but ended up being preserved for millions of years in a lifeless state. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

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A new rivalry was born in baseball on Tuesday. A rivalry that required much more prune juice for the main participants than any previous rivalry. Over an issue as simple as the materials on a person’s glove, the Rays and Nats developed a quick dislike for one another. And now, with the series completed, it is clear that the Nationals are the better of two teams. Other than the fact they kind of picked on such an easily ignorable and probably unimportant thing, suggesting that they are actually the more petty of the two teams. But I’m ok with being petty, because he’s a talented musician.

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Civil War: Yankees Win Battle in Sportsmanlike and Reasonable Manner

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With his on-field skill on the decline, Xavier Nady seeks to help the team in other ways. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 7, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Morse was one of the few bright spots tonight, but just like with the Titanic, it could not save the Nationals. Although we all know which event caused greater losses because let’s be honest, it would’ve been a big deal to beat the Yankees. Ugh, life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .1 IP, 1 H, 2 BB, 3 ER. Bad Lidge (that’s right, I said it) is bad. He’s been terrible since returning from his injury, leading me to believe there must be something wrong. Yet we keep sending him out there looking for a win, just like a selfish trainer might send his race horse out despite injury. I think the next time we see Lidge struggling to finish what we asked of him, just like a race horse we should put him down right there on the field, and take away the pain.

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The Yankees can buy a lot of things. They can buy the best players. They can buy the nicest amenities for fans. They can buy the souls of young children to feed the ever growing lust for them that the Steinbrenner family has. But there is one thing the Yankees cannot buy, and that is a win. However they still do get wins, it’s not like they’re a team of completely immobile old men (note: A-Rod is just a semi-immobile old man).

One of those wins came tonight as the Nationals and Yankees opened up a series at Nationals Park. It marks the first time the teams faced off since 2009, when the Nationals took 2 of 3 at Yankee Stadium, and ended up winning 59 games and a last place finish. Before that in 2006, the Nationals took 2 of 3 in Washington, and ended up winning 71 games and a last place finish. For the love of God you Yankees, please don’t let us take 2 of 3 again.

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Saint Stephen’s Canon Canonizes Braves in Shutout

Jayson Heyward did not consent to this game of leapfrog, but when it comes to leapfrog for Danny Espinosa, “No no no” means “Yes yes yes.”  (Alex Brandon/AP)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Braves 0

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 9 K. It was actually a pretty disappointing day for Strasburg as he went 0-2 at the plate. I say we trade him before his stock falls any lower.

Shame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 0-4. You made me wait two months for this pathetic “effort,” Michael Morse? I say we trade him before his stock falls any lower.

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Stephen Strasburg’s genitals have had a tough last couple weeks. First he was beset by (goodness, gracious) Great Balls of Fire, then they grew to such a disproportionately grandiose size that his arm suffered some undue strain. But everything was fine in the ace’s very mentionable unmentionables yesterday, and Strasburg took advantage of his calm crotch to throw seven shutout innings against the Braves. Never have I been happier for a man to have a normal penis (interpret that as you will). Continue reading

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LaRoche Hour: Adam Drives Nats Through Pittsburgh Traffic to Win

WATCH OUT ERIK BEDARD THAT SALIVA IS HEADED RIGHT FOR YOU (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Pirates 4

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 3-4, HR, 4 RBI, R, K. Attention Deficit Disorder? More like Out Deficit Disorder AM I RIGHT

Shame of the Game:

Evan Meek: 1 IP, 3 ER, 1 H, 2 BB, 2 K. Jesus Christ once said “The meek shall inherit the earth.” Jesus was wrong about a lot of things.

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In recent games, the Nationals’ offense has developed an odd habit of not sucking. They have scored at least 6 runs in 4 of their last 6 games including tonight’s bat-ruption, something which I will say without doing any historical research has never happened before. That’s probably not true, but assuming it is adds to the excitement of the Nats’ newfound plate-crossing prowess. Tonight’s Pirate-punishing was led by home runs from Adam “The Face that Launched a Thousand Hits” LaRoche, Ian “Also Committed His 7th Error” Desmond, and Xavier “Still OBPing Under .200” Nady, along with a triple from Bryce “Bam Bam No Thank You Ma’am I’m Still Underage” Harper.  Said Davey Johnson, “Yeah, it just occurred to me a few days ago that giving people candy when they made outs to make them feel better was a bad incentive structure. That program has been eliminated.” Continue reading

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Bernadina and Nady to Platoon in Left

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Until Roger eats Xavier, of course.

Davey Johnson announced today that the Nationals will move forward with mostly a platoon of Bernadina and Nady in left in the wake of Werth’s injury. Bernadina’s addition makes the Nationals’ outfield even more scarily fast and defensively talented. Nady’s addition makes the Nationals’ outfield even more scarily worse.

Many expected Lombardozzi, Tracy or Moore to get more playtime in left. Instead, Johnson has decided to take the worst approach to winning in that this probably won’t result in wins.

I do love Shark though, and there are certainly a growing number of Shark fans who will love Roger getting more playtime. However nobody will really look forward to Nady. Nady’s Ladies has been losing members each day with the new youthful Harper attracting females. Nady’s Mateys has been losing members ever since Nady left the Pirates. Nady’s Bradys was capped at 8 early on, and will probably lose members as the Brady Bunch actors die off.

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HandKershaw Wipes Away Mucus-y Nationals as Dodgers Take Series Opener

"Ohhhhhhhh yeah, time to lick off some SWEET HAND JUICE. mmmmmmmmmm SO GOOD." -Clayton Kershaw
(Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

Final Score: Dodgers 3, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, HR, 2 RBI, R, K. Adam LaRoche is the only one on the Nationals who remembers what to do with his large wooden club, which makes the rest of the Nats offense dumber than cavemen.

Shame of the Game:

Mark DeRosa: 0-4. Mark DeRosa is slugging .081. There should probably be a less positive-sounding word for that total bases/at bats average for people under .100.  Like “whimpering.” Mark DeRosa is whimpering .081.

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Ashes swirl over the battlefield. What was once a pristine field of grass and clay is now blackened and barren. The place reeks of charred flesh and death. Mike Rizzo, astride his trusty warhorse, surveys the carnage and grimaces.

The Nationals forces had made great advances in the early stages of the battle, fighting back the forces of Evil. Rizzo’s right flank, the Starting Pitchers, had been particularly successful, carving huge swaths in the enemy’s ranks and gaining valuable strategic territory. But after these quick victories, the enemy adapted. They sensed a weakness in the Washington army. The left flank–the Offense–was wavering. And this enemy was hungry for weakness.

The demonic horde pounced, and the flank’s collapse was precipitous. Adam LaRoche did his best to stave them off, waving his gleaming lumber like a man possessed, felling any enemy who came near. But he was not enough. Ian Desmond was actually possessed–after fighting reasonably well for a while, his eyes suddenly rolled back in his head and he turned around and punched a more-confused-than-normal Tom Gorzelanny in the neck. All around them, the lines were crumbling. First Michael Morse fell, an arrow protruding from his lat. Then Ryan Zimmerman, an axeblade jutting from his shoulder, crumpled to the ground. “You must…go on…without me…” he whispered, before his eyes glazed over. In the Bullpen center, Brad Lidge was randomly struck by a lightning bolt despite the fact that it was sunny. Weird. Continue reading

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Voorhees a Jolly Good Fellow: Jayson Slays Reds in 13th, on 13th

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Votto pleaded with LaRoche to give him another chance. But Adam knows better.

Final Score: Nationals 2, Reds 1 (13 innings).

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 3 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 3 K. Another strong showing from Zimmermann, another pathetic offensive backing that fails to get him the win. It’s not like Jordan needs Amman-ster day from his offense. Come on!

Shame of the Game:

Sean Marshall: The Loss, .1 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 1 ER. None of the Reds messed up too bad today, but Marshall was certainly the worst. I imagine that in the post game interviews that the Reds will all share the blame for the loss. That’s their ideology.

What a game. I don’t know how to describe it. In that I’ve begun writing this before it’s actually gone final.

Oh, there we go.

What a great game! The Nats are riding high after two walkoff wins to open their ballpark this season. Disclaimer: Riding high is fine when someone sober is driving. It was a fantastic pitching effort yet again for Washington, with a not so fantastic offensive effort. Odd at how that works out, since in sexual culture the pitcher is the more offensive force. I guess the Washington Nationals are a completely misinformed organization when it comes to sex. Fair, it must be hard to get a woman, or even a model of a vagina near that clubhouse while Gorzelanny’s in it.

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Rick Ankiel To Be Activated Tomorrow

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Get your mace ready.

Go wild folks. But if you’re enjoying dinner, not so much so that you miss the plate. Rick Ankiel will be back with the Nats tomorrow, as the team plans to activate him from the disabled list. This is good news for everyone except one member of the Nationals’ roster, the person to be sent down for Ankiel.

Nobody really stands out as an obvious choice for a demotion. But let’s be real, there’s no way we can pass up having Ankiel on this team. He was a shiny for god’s sake.

The current Nats roster will remain intact until after tonight’s game vs. the Reds. Perhaps the game will devolve into a competition between Bernadina, Carroll, Nady and Tracy as to who should remain on the team. Maybe we should replace the President’s Race with these four players, only instead of it being all about finding a new way to make Teddy lose badly, it will be four men desperately fighting for their own livelihoods.

Fun!

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