Tag Archives: Yunesky Maya

Kobernus Called Up, Maya DFA’d


Kobernus swings so hard that his eyes disappear, they just vanish.

As payback for a failed attempt at predicting the end of the world, the Nationals have sent  Maya back down to the minors. If they’re going to pretend to threaten our livelihood with their silly predictions, we’re going to actually ruin their lives by making sure they don’t play in the majors.

With Maya’s designation, the Nationals have called up Jeff Kobernus. Kobernus was a former Rule 5 pick to the Tigers, but was returned to the Nationals this March. Do not confuse the Rule 5 draft with the Rule 34 draft, which based on recent events we know Steve McCatty was a part of.

Kobernus plays 2B, and will likely see some playing time because of Espinosa’s horribleness. He has already been seen as a success compared to Danny, since his walking to the airport was more walking than Espinosa’s done all season.

Trying to come up with a nickname for Kobernus, I had some trouble. But for now I think we should all go with The Kober Report.

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A Giant Shit (Named Rafael Soriano)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart's "Don Giovanni" in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart’s “Don Giovanni” in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Game 1:

Giants 8, Nationals 0

Oh, Zach Duke. I’m not mad. I’m just…disappointed. We dedicated a whole week to you this offseason. We did our best to make you feel welcomed and loved in the Nationals family. We took you in off the streets, despite your filthy, mangy hair and rabid foaming mouth. We bathed you, fed you, clothed you, neutered you. We gave you everything we had to give.

And this…this is how you repay us? 4 ER in 3 IP?  How could you be so ungrateful? I will not strike you, Zach Duke. I will not even raise my voice.

But I never want to see you again, Zach Duke. Begone from this place, and do not return.  Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Steve Lombardozzi

Steve Lombardozzi and his dad, or Steve Lombardozzi and some guy he paid to turn around and pretend to be his dad so people would think his dad really loved him? You make the call.

There’s been a lot of hubbub in the Nationals’ clubhouse lately about how there are two pitchers in the organization, Atahualpa Severino and Yunesky Maya, who plan on recreating and ruling long-lost empires. Steve Lombardozzi couldn’t help but be a little bit jealous. If those two mediocre pitchers could dream of wearing a crown, why couldn’t a mediocre utility infielder like him do the same? When he heard some teammates talking about how great it would be when the Nationals controlled huge swaths of Central and South America, Steve sat in a corner of the clubhouse, sat down Indian-style, and pouted. Then he walked into the middle of the circle of teammates, shouted “EEEEEEEEEERNNNKK foo foo foo foo” and ran off to stick his head in his locker and kick the floor.

That night, Steve sat on his bed and stared at his purple-spaceship-adorned wallpaper. He realized that the only reasons Atahualpa Severino and Yunesky Maya were so special was because their names were associated with famous civilizations and rulers. So he decided to do something he’d never done before. He searched his own name on the internet. Continue reading

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Fourteenth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. A New York Yankee in King Harper’s Court

Kama Sutra, p. 134

The Yankees beat the Nationals 8-5 today, but the larger problem for the Nats was the discovery that Chien-Ming Wang is incapable of running more than three feet without severely injuring one of his legs, something which the Yankees realized in 2008. The only other explanation for the injury is that John Lannan set a tiny land mine between the pitcher’s mound and first base before the game in the hopes of removing his competition for the fifth starter’s job.

Lannan failed to follow through on the second half of his devious ploy, however, assuming said ploy didn’t involve him pitching like he was in a softball league for people without arms. Yunesky Maya, come and get it.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Yunesky Maya

A picture found taped to the inside of Yunesky Maya's locker

Yunesky Maya is vying for the Nationals’ fifth starter spot, and he doesn’t have an easy path to get it: the formidable quintet of John Lannan, Chien-Ming Wang, Tom Gorzelanny,  Ross Detwiler and Craig Stammen stands in his way. But a job at the back end of the Nationals’ rotation isn’t the only thing that Yunesky Maya wants, not if his last name is anything to go by. No, Yunesky Maya has greater ambitions, and they probably involve raising the severed heads of his defeated opponents from atop the great pyramid of Chichen Itza.  Continue reading

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