1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:

Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

Day 2 of the 2013 MLB Draft

This logo was originally made to alert people as to if a room was drafty or not. It came in handy for this event.

Last year, I did my best to provide analysis for the Nationals draft picks. However, as the rounds went on and on, I knew less and less about the players and really couldn’t give you much information. This year, with my lack of amateur baseball knowledge, I decided to give each player something I know a lot about. Nicknames based on terrible puns. So let’s take a look at the Nationals picks from rounds 3-10, and give them their very first MLB nickname…

Paul-Bearer of Bad News: Maholm Tries Carrying Dead Team but Drops Them

Mike Rizzo comes out on the field, finally revealing who he had in mind to replace Strasburg in the rotation. Himself. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Braves 1.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 6 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 10 K. Strasburg certainly doesn’t want to drop out of the rotation, still polling very favorably with his fans. But it all comes down to pressure put on him from those within his organization, who might make him bow out against his will in the end. This seems very Akin to another situation in the news. Especially since this too has a lot to do with rape, with Strasburg raping opposing teams every start.

Shame of the Game:

Paul Maholm: Loss, 7 IP, 7 H, 1 BB, 4 ER, 6 K. It certainly wasn’t an a-Paul-ing start, but I had to give it to someone. Hmm, maybe I should get Shame of the Game for that appalling pun.

———-

“Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.” A phrase said by many normal people when it is raining, or many insane people because they are insane. Well fuck the people who said it yesterday, cause it caused a delay tonight and that was annoying. What are we supposed to do during all these rain delays? See why there’s so much crying coming from the baby monitor? No. I want my kid to learn problem solving skills. I hope all have you watched the game. If you didn’t, then I feel it’s fair to make you suffer the same wait that us others had to experience earlier today. So I’m going to add a 51 minute delay into this post for your reading.

 

Astros Bring Nats Down to Earth: Pitching Sucks, Tom’s a Schmuck

Having the time of his life.
(Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Astros 11, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 1-5, 1 R, 1 HR, 3 RBI. The home run was certainly nice, but to say Ryan was the star having gone 1-5 doesn’t suggest the team was that successful. I couldn’t give this award to an Astro though. I think they have it in their contracts that they can’t play well enough to win an award. What else would explain their team?

Shame of the Game:

Tom Gorzelanny: 2 IP, 8 H, 1 K, 6 ER. Tom Gorzelanny showed us his ugly side today (as he does every day), as his ERA skyrocketed from 0.00 to 7.36. Edwin Jackson was certainly bad, but Gorzelanny gave the Nationals no chance, which is odd since when he goes out clubbing with teammates, their chances increase drastically as the women realize they don’t want to be stuck going home with the Gorzler.

“The Nationals are down 5 runs to the Astros and are coming up to bat for the first time this game.” That’s a sentence that has only been said once before and that was cause a kid was cheating at MLB: The Show. However it was applicable to today’s game, as the Astros somehow managed a 5 run first inning off of Edwin Jackson. The Nationals starting pitching had been more of less manhandling the Astros this series, but I suppose Edwin just wanted to be different. That’s the type of person he is. He listens to emo music, wears all black clothing, and is very rude to his mom. People say it’s just a phase though. Davey Johnson seems to understand though having gone through a period like this as a teen himself. Although he rebelled by voting for McClellan. No emo music was available at the time.